**This was supposed to be published last night. I stayed up until 1 am to finish it. However, when I hit the "publish" button, I realized that my wireless card had died. For whatever reason, I could not get it to connect...I thought I had lost this post and was still grieving over it this morning. However, I feel God knew that my expectation had been to post something every night. He reminded me of what I read two days ago in Matthew 12:6-7...that Jesus "prefers a flexible heart to an inflexible ritual." I feel like He had to remind me that this blog is not a ritual but a pouring out of my heart. A heart that must be led by Him in His way, in His time. I was able to recover the draft this morning. Reading the following will allow you to see the humor and irony at God doing a work in my life. All I have to say is He loves me well!
"It is not life that's complicated, it's the struggle to guide and control life."
--F. Scott Fitzgerald (from This Side of Paradise)
I pretty much planned my life out in its entirety around the age of 16. In high school, I looked to college, in college I looked to marriage, in marriage, I looked to kids. When I turned 30, I realized that I hadn't made any more plans past kids. Thirty always seemed so old to me and I figured I'd have all the wisdom in the world at that ripe old age to manage. Truthfully, at 16, I am sure I was thinking 30 would almost be like a retirement phase in life.
Thirty (now almost 33) has been a wake up call. The mask of "planner" has been peeled away and under it revealed a much harsher identity...control freak. You see, everything I planned, I did. To me, that meant I was a pretty good planner. Unfortunately time revealed a chain wrapped around me so tight, bonding me in its locks. This chain was my delusion of control. This delusion became the way I steered life. When I became the one steering life, things got complicated. Plans not going my way became shattered dreams. People not living up to my expectations became broken relationships. I read in a book that expectations kill relationships. Creating expectations is just a way of planning subconsciously. I can say that my intentions are great for myself and for those I love (my plans are always good), but underneath, it's still me in control. MY plans, MY dreams, MY expectations...no room for God. No room for anyone but ME. In that way of life, me being the center, I lost myself completely.
However, I serve a patient God. I knew that I was broken but because I was such a "good person," (ugh, I hate even writing that, but I believed it), I truly didn't know how. I had a lot of anger at things not going my way and a lot of blame to heap on everyone but me. In this anger, the Holy Spirit led me to a prayer. In Psalm 139:23-24, I prayed, "Search me , God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
In time, He did. My heart, my anxious thoughts, my offensive ways were wrapped up in a life that could not surrender control. I just had no idea. In His relentlessness and gentleness, He began to break each lock and unravel the chain. I had to learn that to live freely, I had to live in today only. I had to let go of my anger and expectations of others because I was a heaping mess myself. I had to let go of trying to fix the stuff I didn't like about people and myself and let Him do it in His way, in His time, because only He could. I had/have to get out of my own way and most importantly, His. I had/have to let that part of me die. It was and is painful, and I grieve(d) the loss of comfort I got/get from feeling like I was/am in control...it is and will be an ongoing process.
However, since Jesus came to set us free, I may live freely. No chains, no lies. My hopes and expectations must be born from His promises. I cannot get enough of His word because it is filled with so many great plans, so many promises. I live in the truth that God's plans are..."Plans to take care of me, not abandon me, plans to give me the future I hope for." When I call on Him and pray to Him, He promises to listen. When I go looking for Him, He promises to find me. He promises to make sure that I will not be disappointed when I focus on finding Him. (from Jeremiah 29:11-14).
There it is again, seeing and finding Him. His plans are immensely wonderful, mine must be to look for and find Him everyday, everywhere. God, give me a flexible heart so that I may do this well!
No comments:
Post a Comment